What I know now that I didn't at fifteen, a letter to myself.

A couple of post ago I wrote about a blog that I was following and planning to participate in. I finally am participating and I plan to go back and do older post too. I wrote this a couple of days ago but my computer had a breakdown and I was unable to respond. Oh the irony. The founder of the read.write.heal blog challenged us to write about what we know now that we didn't know then. The age she used was 13. I adore her post and encourage you to read it. http://www.readwriteheal.com/2010/10/what-do-you-know-now.html

I am posting something similar but not to my 13 year old self. I've already said that I am in a crossroad in my life. Graduated from college, jobless, in a new town and really just stuck. For lack of better wording I'm stuck. I can't remember any insecurities I had at 13 sometimes I wish I was that little girl or tomboy. I was in what I called an ugly stage of my life but looking back at the pictures I wasn't ugly at all. I really was just growing out of my tomboy Nike athletic wear and getting into boot cut jeans and American Eagle clothes or whatever I could steal from my sisters closet. I was carefree then and actually think that my 13 year old self might have some advice to my 23 year old self.

So I am writing to my 15 year old self. My little freshman in high school self. I had everything I thought was important at fifteen.  I now realize I would have given up all of it if only I had been true to myself.

So what do I know now that I didn't at fifteen...a whole lot.

If I could, I would go back to my fifteen year old self and say...

You're not going to marry him you may both think so but you're not. You're too young for love!

He is going to be the first to break your heart but not the last. With each heartbreak you will get stronger. With each wrong relationship you will be more in tune with what you want. You're still too young for love. No matter how much you love and give someone it will never be enough if it's not right.You will find love and it won't be soon enough but it will be in time.

You will start some games and not some games, it's not the end of the world. You're not a star athlete, big deal--

Don't be afraid to pursue your dreams. It's never too late...

Your sister, Ashley isn't a bitch or a goody goody she's actually your best friend.

You'll never be able to please everyone but you'll try and fail every time.

Popularity really doesn't mean a thing.

Don't criticize your body because one day you would kill for it back!

The birthmark on the middle of forehead isn't a curse. It continues to fade and you actually adore it.

Same with your big gap that could double as a water gun. It gets smaller after braces but due to nature and the carelessness of you and your retainer it gets bigger but you dig it.

Cherish every single day, hour, minute, second with your mop headed friend MaDee. It'll mean the world to you. (Thank you for sticking it out my fifteen year old self)

Don't grow up too fast...you're going to miss this.

Be nice to your bushy eyebrows they don't grow in as fast anymore.

That fall on the bleachers? You'll have a lot more embarrassing moments than that. You're not graceful.

Don't dismiss compliments

Don't worry so much about what you don't have -- be thankful for what you do have

Throwing a tantrum in the morning because you have nothing to wear, no one cares

Math is hard to you it doesn't mean you're stupid

You'll go to college just like your brother and sister

Scott and Ashley aren't the bar of standards and your parents don't think so either

It's okay to want to be just like your sister

Being said NO to certain parties, trips and sleepovers isn't the end of the world and may be a blessing in disguise

Your parents aren't out to sabotage you

Dad may never like who you date until you're actually engaged to them- seen it happen!

Don't let anyone walk all over you. It's a characteristic flaw that you'll slowly attempt to 'fix'

A boy doesn't define you and certainly should never be the certain of your world-

Stay independent.

Stay beautiful- because you actually are quite beautiful and you don't need some dumb boy to validate that!

Love,

The much wiser but still learning 23 year old self.

Whew. Can anyone relate? I sure hope so. I am actually okay with my journey- I often ask myself is this the life I've chosen or is this the life that God has chosen for me? I wish I had the answers. I know he knows the outcome I just wish I did. I remember thinking how 23 was so old. When I was younger I had expectations on each age. I'm not sure where I got these expectations from probably television or the movies but at 23 I thought I'd be engaged, have a job, live in a big city and be fabulous. I think I was on some sort of 5 year plan. What was I thinking? I am 2 for 4 so I guess that's not terrible. I remember thinking that you went to college and it was a sure thing that you'd come out with a husband. I didn't and I also didn't go into hoping to get my M-R-S because thank goodness at 19 I didn't think that anymore- though in college I probably did think I was going to marry by then boyfriend...but it ended up to be another heartbreak- lesson learned. So many lessons learned. Life is a journey. I don't have much expectations anymore but I hope oneday I can write to my 23 year old self and say...you have a successful career, you found your someone, the pain of MaDee's death does heal in time. As for now I'm happy to be alive, happy to have a college degree, happy to have love and support of family and friends and happy to finally be me.
I often relate my post or life to music.
Listen to: Carrie Underwood- Lessons Learned

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mSm19ETQvg



Thanks for reading!

Amanda