As mentioned before I got a job! I hadn't been there but a little over week and I received Christmas presents. Presents!! That's what kind of people I work with- I really do love it. That's when I came across this New Year's card in CVS while picking up thank you cards for my generous co-workers/supers.
2011
...
The new year
unfolds
like pages
in a book
yet to be written,
bringing hope
and endless
possibilities
-Holley Gerth
Love. I bought the card! I had no intentions on giving it to anyone. I was just afraid that I wouldn't remember to look it up but I love it. This quote is so upbeat and full of optimism which is the total opposite of my 2010. I've never made a new years resolution before because I set goals all the time but 18 days late here is my resolution.
Be more positive.
I am so positive (usually) at work and with other people but I tend to self loathe and self doubt a lot. It's without a doubt unhealthy and I realized it today. I had an "aha moment" if you will. My dad said this to me as I expressed my joy to him. "Amanda,there's no question that you have a grip on reality but sometimes you may be too realistic and not positive enough." I tend to be too logical. Today I received a call that I was approved for an apartment. My first big girl apartment. For weeks this is what I would say to myself and (at times) also very hateful to my mom. (I love you mom!)
Me: My credit sucks. I have medical bills and student loans.
I won't be able to afford it.
I'll have to have a co-signer, I can't do it alone.
So I was wrong. Like I was two months ago after an interview with the job I have.
Me: I was too nervous.
My answers were stupid.
They'll hire someone older with more experience.
My college degree is pointless.
WHINE. WHINE. NEGATIVE. NEGATIVE. BITCH. BITCH. BITCH. Where does this come from? Why am I like this towards myself and how can I stop? I present myself with a lot of confidence so when will I start believing in myself? Today. I can do this.
My new years resolution.
Stop the negativity, Start the positivity.
-Don't second guess yourself so much
- Have faith in yourself and God
- Don't feel guilty for whatever reason of successes, you deserve what you work hard for
- Break down walls within yourself
- Be open minded
- Ask why not? OR why can't I?
Some of these feelings I've had for a long time, many from failed relationships and a lot from MaDee's death. There's no doubt that somewhere down the road I felt unworthy. Stop the negativity. This whole "hope for the best expect (or prepare for) the worst" mentality isn't working. Why go through life preparing yourself for the worst? I mean it's great to be logical but I want to have enough faith and confidence in myself to expect the best and be able to dust myself off when it's not.
2011 is filled with endless possibilities.
Love yourself in 2011.
With love,
Amanda
