Inspired.

I sit here distracted by SNL and Facebook. I notice my feed (on Facebook) filled with love notes for Daniel. It's been two years since we lost this beautiful soul. December 4, 2008.

As I read the comments on his page tears rolled down my face and still do because as I posted a couple of blogs ago I can't help but feel the pain that they do. I was more of an acquaintance to Dan though he treated everyone like a best friend. What I remember about him the most is his kindness, smile, crazy good soccer throw in's and his striking good looks!

I remember the text message, the disbelief, the utter shock and then a heart wrenching pain for his parents, family and friends.

The last time I saw Dan was at Food Lion (June 2008) buying beer for I can only assume his friends younger siblings high school graduation party. I'm sure that night was another memory made and now cherished.

I think it's fair to say that the pain his family and friends feel is similar to the pain I feel just for two different people. Two completely different deaths, two completely different people but both gone too soon. As I posted in my older blog "Dealing with Death" it's sometimes therapeutic to see others feeling the same way that you do. I don't mean it makes it easier to see other people in pain but it does make me feel more normal or maybe united. It's refreshing to know that after two years he's not forgotten, still very alive in all of our memories and hearts.

I love that many of his friends posted about the snow today being from him. I love seeing our loved ones through nature there's something so peaceful about it. Snow, wind in the face, a pink sunset, fluffy clouds, leaves, flowers, feathers the list could go on....it makes you feel at peace, warm, surrounded. One wall post that hit me was "I will never not miss you."

"I will never not miss you." Is there any better way to put it? I can't think of anything better. Well said. When you have such love for someone, created years of memories with someone how could you forget them? You won't. There won't be a day that you don't miss that person. There will be days that are easier to manage but never will you forget. You will never forget. We will never forget you Daniel.

I love Daniel's website. His family and friends have done a great job creating this image of Daniel if you never had the pleasure of meeting him and they also have some shared stories.
Check it out. http://www.danielsheffer.com/#/home/

I can only hope that I can help do the same for MaDee.

I didn't plan on blogging today. The minute I saw the words on his page I pulled up my blog and my fingers moved...I think there the best blogs, from the heart.

I guess now that my fingers aren't moving a mile a minute that I can reflect on why I felt it. I think one of my best qualities is empathy and MaDee's death can cause me to do two things: feel sorry for myself or feel sorry for others. I do both, I think. The pain from a death is like a cut. It starts to heal and something like today burst the scab open again, gross I know. I guess my 'wound' is still fresh from my loss (our loss) but sometimes I feel like maybe I'm the only one stuck in PARK in my life and everyone else in DRIVE. (cheesy? maybe.) Then I'm reminded like today- "I will never not miss you." A day I can get by without crying is a good day to me. But maybe it's not. Maybe it's another day that I'm stuffing my emotions so I can try to be strong. There are somethings I can't do yet and I often wonder what the hell is wrong with me? Two things particular:  I haven't had the courage to go 'see' MaDee and the second is going around MaDee's sister is still incredibly hard for me because she resembles and embodies (almost) everything about MaDee.

Like I said before there is no right or wrong way to deal with death (within reason) I just wish there was some way easier. Life isn't easy or fair....cliche' cliche' cliche'....enter it here.

I know everyone has lost someone and that depending on how close you are to that person is going to really determine the amount of pain one will feel. It only makes sense, right?

That's why I never want anyone to feel like I think MaDee's death is the only one that matters, that MaDee's cancer is the only one that matters...It's the death and cancer that have affected my life the most....recently. I can't say most ever but as of now yes-most. And I think my mom understands that- that I'm thankful everyday that I have her here and I'm thankful that she is a cancer survivor...without having witnessed this even at a young age I don't know if I would have been as brave and filled with hope during MaDee's battle. Filled with hope until the very last hours of her life... But that's all for another time or blog, or not. I share a lot about my personal life but somethings are better left unsaid. (or kept in my heart)

Obviously I'm on a tangent. It's almost 2:00 a.m.- goodness!

That said good night!

My heart goes out to anyone that has ever lost somebody which is everyone.
My heart goes out to everyone <3