When will I stop feeling how I feel now? It’s a question that many of us ask ourselves after the death of a loved one. There is no easy way to handle death besides shutting down and avoidance which takes a toll on our bodies physically and mentally. You may assume that this is about MaDee which yes many of my feelings of not feeling whole now are because of MaDee but I am smart enough to know that I am not the only one hurting and MaDee’s death is not the only death that has rocked my “community.” My community is multiple communities but more specifically now the Fort Defiance community.
You always try to get “away” from your high school because high school was so awful right? Fortunately, mine wasn’t because people like you. People like “you” – the dozens of alum that extended out to me; that’s love. I want to do the same. I know Tamara, MaDee’s mom has made an effort to heal through other parents of FDHS that have also lost their child. Fort Defiance has had some tremendous losses and I want everyone to know that you’re not alone. It’s easy to think that something must be wrong with you because of how you’re feeling. Time heals all but no one gave it a deadline. I read my Facebook friends statuses, listen to the songs and read post like these when they’re hurting and even though I may not saying anything I am sitting on the other end empathizing and hurting for you too. Because I know that no matter if the death was 40 years ago, 10 years ago, 3 years ago, 2 years ago, 1 year ago, 7 months ago, today it’s still fresh. Whether it’s the death of a friend, daughter, son, brother, sister, mother, father, cousin, aunt, uncle, grandparent, schoolmate, boyfriend, girlfriend, ex, coworker, teacher etc. it hurts. Whether it’s a car crash, cancer, suicide, fire, disease etc. it hurts. Don’t ever feel like your pain isn’t comparable to someone else’s. MaDee’s death is certainly fresh to me where as to you it may have made you cry for a day where as I don’t think a day has passed I haven’t cried since her death that’s because of the relationship I had.
Even though I never personally had the pleasure of knowing Miss Angela Kania- her anniversary death date and her sister-in-laws Facebook status is really what inspired me to post this. I felt it in my heart. She was in a serious car wreck a year ago Thursday and I know that many are dreading the week and the 14th to come. I hope that the week isn’t terrible because I’m sure that is what she would want; I pray that it won’t be.
I see nothing wrong with acting as it’s another day if that is how you deal, taking off work and crying all day, celebrating the loved ones life in a special way. For MaDee’s I am unsure how I’ll feel in February. How do you prepare for these things? I guess you don’t.
One thing I learned at my old job at Bethany Hall, Inc. as a residential counselor working with all sorts of women that have lost every loved one under the sun through miscarriage, still births, SIDS, wrecks, disease, suicide, drug overdose etc. that planning to be miserable on a holiday, birthday, anniversary date it does no good. What if it was a great day does it make you a bad person the therapist would ask? No it doesn’t. I remember in one case a client use to wear a necklace of the initial of her baby she lost everyday, she never took it off. The date was approaching and she was bummed all week and instead we celebrated with a dinner any child would love cake, chicken tenders, and tater tots. I loved that. I really did. It carried with me that when I found out MaDee died and I went back to sleep once my mom arrived I had a dream. I dreamt that the therapist, Jenny at Bethany Hall, Inc. had made a cake that had a bright sun that said My Day. My day to feel how I need to feel, I never told anyone that.
It really has me thinking. Though lately I’ve been trying to live this life in the present though it’s nearly impossible, it’s nearly impossible to not think that I didn’t get a birthday present from MaDee for my 23rd that the very last present I received from MaDee was for Christmas. I’ve survived Abby’s first baby shower and I can’t even describe how much pain I feel when I think of Abby, her having a baby without being able to share the joy with MaDee. I can’t even type about it. Then of course there’s MaDee’s birthday next week the 24th. I’ve heard of how some plan to celebrate it but I haven’t put that much thought into it. Perhaps a defense mechanism? Maybe. I love the idea of eating cake, letting go of balloons, maybe some permanent ink…ya never know! But that’s the point. There is no right or wrong of how you deal with a death because if it works for you, do it. As long as it’s not self pain inflicting but I think you get the point. Some of us put up statuses to feel support and not alone in this, some stay quite and only express their feeling to their loved ones, some write blogs like this, some post pictures, some block it out, some cry, some laugh, some pray, some use music to heal, some nature and some of us do all of the above. No one is right and no one is wrong unless of course it’s extreme. Some just need a close friend, some need a love of a pet, some need professional help, and some need to take off work and again some of us all of the above. I think what everyone needs is to not feel alone. I support you and I hope you support me. Sometimes no matter how close you are to someone if they didn’t experience the same relationship that you did with the person than they sometimes seem difficult to talk to. Fortunately again, I have many who have had a special relationship with MaDee that I can talk to. I might not do it enough and if you’re dealing with such pain you might not either.
The point of this was to reach out to anyone who’s hurting like me. The fact is I’m honest and I can honestly say that I know myself well enough to know that I’m still hurting and I try to mask it sometimes and you can’t. The worse thing you can do is ignore your feelings. I’ve always been a non confrontational person my whole life, I’ve allowed myself to stuff feelings and I feel in a way MaDee’s death (because she hated that about me) has made me less and less afraid of my feelings because feelings are valid. If they weren’t you wouldn’t feel that way.
I’ve made a lot of progress and it’s really been a learning experience. MaDee’s death is a defining moment in my life. Like any life defining moment we learn, we grow and we sometimes change. I know for sure that I will never forget the beautiful, fun, crazy, dramatic, loud, happy, sad moments that I had with MaDee. All I can do is hold onto the ones that I have that connect me to MaDee, hold onto the memories, some but not all of the material things that I hold dear, and to continue to spread a piece of her in everything I do and everyone I meet.
To the loved ones lost – gone but not forgotten. I hope everyone finds peace. If you haven’t noticed I changed up my info a bit about this journey. This journey through life… thanks for reading. I hope it helped somehow because it helped me by just writing. If you feel inspired to do so contact me.
Love,
Amanda
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